Its 2am and I’m running on little to no sleep so please pardon my flood of typos and all. I was honestly going to bed with the mind of disappointing you this week. My mind has been all over the place these last couple of days but you guys are way too important to God that my occupied mind isn’t an excuse for not delivering. I know, I know you must be thinking this girl isn’t too smart. After all this time with the Holy Ghost, you would think she would know she doesn’t run this show. To be very sincere, sometimes I really think I do but trust that I am reminded that I don’t!
So you would think that the way the Holy Spirit is schooling me on marriage and all, I must be making a lot of headway in the preparation for it but no! He said I haven’t even passed the singleness lesson yet. In my head I’m screaming ‘yo I’m almost 25, teach me about relationships instead’ but He said until you understand and fully reap the benefits of your singleness or this single period, you’d just mess up the very relationship it’s preparing you for. In 2014, I wrote a post on my tumblr on why I was single. You can read about it HERE . Then, when someone asked me why I was still single it was always the fault of the boys duh, I mean have you met me? I’m girlfriend material 1000 yards lol well that’s what I thought! Anytime I thought on why I was single, it was the other party’s fault… he was immature, clueless, not serious, not christian enough, not bold enough, not ready, too damaged, just plain foolish or something. No really, never for one moment did I really think or consider that I may not be ready for it even if he checked on my long list…NEVER! For a couple of months now, the Holy Spirit has been teaching me about singleness!! I’m just going to share with you a few things i’ve been learning concerning being single and the correction I’ve received on my perception of singleness.
First is that MY SINGLENESS IS A MINISTRY. I think I was washing dishes when the Holy Spirit said that to me, I was like what? I mean I knew marriage was a ministry but being single too? He said from the moment you are born-again, every stage in your life is a ministry. it’s an opportunity to show forth your new image in Christ, show off His likeness, it’s an opportunity to show forth God’s Glory. So yes singleness is a ministry! Same way courtship is a ministry as well, then marriage, parenting… you know, the whole journey to eternity is! So if I could view being single as a ministry, i would be intentional about my dealings during this period and the benefits that come with it. There is fullness of peace and joy in any ministry of Christ so if you aren’t experiencing these in your singleness then you aren’t experiencing singleness in it’s truest form. if i viewed it as a ministry, I would be eager to learn about its purpose and learn how to carry myself in it. Believe it or not, God is still very much in love with the world and is very concerned with saving it through us as Christians so He’s going to use any period in your life to show forth His love and glory to them. How you handle yourself while single is a sermon to people in the world. How you fellowship with the Holy Spirit and with the brethren in your singleness is bringing alive the word of God and the character of Christ to the world. The Bible says ‘The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit:’ – 1 Corinthians 7:34. During this period whether male or female, your concern should be on the things of the Lord and How to build yourself up in the Lord. One day, as I worshipped in church, I heard within my spirit ‘ take care of what concerns Me(God) because I’ve already taken care of what concerns you‘ God has already set in place a partner for you. He is more concerned about the growth and the character He’s forming in you during this wait period. He’s already set the person in place so that’s not His issue, He wants to prepare you to be able to appreciate and be appreciated when you two come together as a unit. Your singleness is a period where you seek the Lord, where you pray into your future. Think about it, you have all the free time now to attend church programmes, retreats, to go on fasts, join any of the department in church and be helpful. When you get married and then when the little terrors come around, i’m sorry but you can’t really be as active as you are during this period. You can’t attend all the functions and take part in all the activities like you are now. Your singleness is the period where you ground your entire being on the solid rock of Christ!
Second thing is MY PARTNER IS TO COMPLEMENT NOT COMPLETE ME. Let me share with you something I recently found out hmm this might come as a shock to you because I know it was most definitely a shock to me. I honestly thought I believed in the whole your partner shouldn’t and can’t complete you! You should be whole in Christ. I really thought I believed in that but from conversations with Senor ZERO CHILL HS, I realized that this is what I actually thought… I thought we were supposed to be a ‘whole half’. yes, I know it doesn’t seem to make sense. I believed that we were supposed to be half but that half that you are, you should OWN it! You should be a complete half, no potholes, no void. So here I was, dead in my emotions, carrying unforgiveness in my heart, carrying ill-memories in my mind. Here I was, with this huge baggage from my past thinking that side of my life did not need to be touched because I was building up in prayer, I was quoting scripture, I was gaining wisdom concerning relationships and marriage. I was building up in faith and I was operating in my gifts. How can these small (seemingly small) issues with my past ruin anything. Look at me, i could have fooled anyone well anyone but God. I thought i was strong and complete in my half so whoever I ended up with would be my missing half i didn’t want to deal with. You know, He’d be full in emotions, built with the divine disability of being blind to the junk I carried and then we come together and it’s a complete circle, with him ‘complementing’ me and vice versa.
Somewhere in my mind, I could survive with this emotionless state because my husband would make up for my lost emotions. The Holy Spirit just stopped me right there! He said, your singleness is a period where Christ makes you whole. Yes, courtship and marriage do make you discover parts of yourself you wouldn’t have figured out and yes marriage would teach you a whole lot but God doesn’t expect you to enter it unprepared, damaged with the mind that the traits you lack would be provided by your partner. “I’m weak here but no worries, I would lean on my spouse to support me on that.” That’s you turning your spouse into Christ. A weight he/she CANNOT carry! CHRIST IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN COMPLETE, WHO CAN SATISFY! If you are entering a relationship, thinking you don’t need to confront your ‘demons’ because your partner would be the parts you aren’t? you are in for big trouble!
One time the Holy Spirit asked me this question ‘Do you know who you are?‘ who you truly are? Then continued to say ‘I know why you think you know yourself. I mean you’ve been this way for so long that its easy to assume this is who you are but this is just who you had to become based on the things you’ve been through, based on what life threw at you, you are simply acting out a role of someone schooled by life and circumstances but this isn’t whom God made you to be’. He said I need you to be single now because I need to hit reset, tear down this whole persona you’ve built in the world and let God build His original intention. This year what I’m noticing is that He’s breaking me apart and rebuilding me to make me whole! He’s taking me into my past, healing me from all the mess that happened there. He’s knocking down the temporal worldly things my confidence was built on. He’s stripping me off my fig leaves, tearing down my pride and leaving me bare to face my fears and my insecurities. He’s testing my character to show me the state of my heart. He’s bringing me face to face with my monsters and showing me that I’ve been empowered to defeat them! For weeks now, I have gotten angry again over things that happened years ago. I have cried like a baby and felt deep pain in my heart over some things I swore didn’t hurt me. I have unlocked some memories I didn’t even know existed. He is showing me why I had commitment issues to anything and anyone, showing me that I would have had trust issues, that I would have put too much demands on my husband. I would have made him pay for sins he didn’t commit. He showed me that I give up too easily, give in too easily. He showed me I was weak. He showed me I would have been an ‘independent’ married woman. Trust me, the things He’s revealed and is revealing is shocking to me. There are some things in our lives we are ignoring. We don’t see it as a big deal or we are too afraid to confront them because of what would be revealed. That’s what the single period is for; to be formed! Adam wasn’t just put in the garden and then after God presented Eve. No, He was schooled, He was tested concerning his mind and his heart. He was moulded into the person who could receive Eve. I know you seem fine. I believed I was fine myself so it would really hurt me and get me angry when my dad would say you will make an awful partner. I’m now understanding he wasn’t comparing me to anyone but myself, comparing me to the standard God had placed on my life. In the past year, I have come to believe that instead of thinking I saved myself from some boys, I’m realizing they saved themselves from me!
“I have come to believe that instead of thinking I saved myself from some boys, I’m realizing they saved themselves from me!”
That damage your ex left doesn’t just go away, that lust problem doesn’t just go away. That anger you think you have on locked down, that pain you felt from being teased as a kid or abandoned as a kid. That void you try to fill from the absence of a parent or a guardian, that hurt you encountered from a loved one, that abuse you went through, It’s formed you into something that God didn’t intend, something that isn’t ready for what He has for you ahead. God needs to tear that down and piece you back together. Remember the Israelites, yes they were God’s people but Egypt changed them, it altered their mindsets and personalities. They couldn’t have survived in the promise land, that’s why He took them through the wilderness to show them what’s in their heart, to have their weaknesses laid bare before them and to change their tastes. Think about this, if you don’t know what your original ‘taste’ is, can you recognize the Will of God for you if he/she stood right in front of you? The Holy Spirit said to me ‘ your singleness is your first encounter with the wilderness, it is a necessary period to go and grow through before I can present the next chapter.’
Singleness is the ONLY period in your life you get to be SELFISH! You get to put you first! It’s the period where you can be free to find who you really are in Christ! Find your place, your strengths, your weakness, find what makes you cry and what gives you joy, find WHY it gives you joy or pain. Find out what area in your life you are handicapped, find out who you are after you’ve healed from your past wounds, after you’ve let go of certain weights. Find out what you can contain. Let me not even be deep on this one, Your single period is the period where you discover yourself, find out why you hate the job you are in, the period you quit it if you can because as a married person, it might be harder to do so. The period where you find out what you are passionate about. It’s the only time you can spend your days (and money hehe) selfishly and don’t have to be accountable for anyone but yourself. Free to face fears, challenge yourself. That blog you want to start, that class you want to take, that trip you want to take…you are free to do it with no guilt. I mean this is the only time you have, where you can make decisions solely based on your interest and feelings and not feel guilty about it.
So yeah I’m revived in my singleness at 24 and I have no fears because I would want my partner to meet the Christ-washed version of me than meet me looking all sane and collected only to be hit and damaged by the tornado I had buried within. However during my wait, I pray for him a whole lot, I pray especially that He’s allowing the Holy Spirit to do a good work in Him too. It’s easy to think that you are all good and ready for a relationship. I mean I looked at the people in the world failing at it, I looked at people around me struggling with it and thought I’d probably do excellently in it but I look at myself now and realize that I would have struggled and failed miserably. Its easy to be confident in your readiness based on what is out there and all around you but it’s really only God who can show you when you truly are. Trust in Him and lean not unto your own understanding, in your singleness acknowledge Him and He will direct your path. Don’t be wise in own eyes, think about all the other times you were and ended up messing up. Open your heart to Him and have Him show you if you are ready, let Him show you where you fall short, let Him be the one to decide when you can make the next step.
God definitely hasn’t forgotten about you. Your singleness is a beautiful chapter of discovery that you should embrace and enjoy because it is in embracing, you unlock your next chapter. Once it’s gone, it’s gone for good too. Think on that and until next time, stay blessed! xx