” I’m okay, just tired”
If you are close to me, you’d know this had been my answer for a long while now. That answer was the reason I lost faith in friendship, lost faith in the fact that people were invested in my life because yes I was tired but not the ‘I need more sleep’ kind of tired but the ‘I need peace’ kind.
I was tired of holding it all together, putting on the biggest smile, loudest laugh and making the funniest jokes. I was tired!
I was tired of everything!!! I was tired of life; I mean, I was tired I had become hopeless. I always lay in bed hoping to drown in my thoughts and worry or maybe in my tears. I was tired of waking up which meant a full 24 hours of wishing it would all end.
I wasn’t just tired… I was exhausted!!! Putting my health on hold to attend to someone else’s needs, to make sure someone else was okay when I was slowly sinking low. It would literally take a feather on the load I was already carrying to kill me but I was the go to girl, the counselor, the one who makes your day. How on earth could I have an off day or month? How could I be so selfish to put others on hold to deal with my own mental and physical health. Looking back, I really wonder how I survived.
I lost hope in friendship because COULD THEY NOT SEE? That the light in my eyes weren’t as bright, hear the croak in my voice from trying not to burst out in tears as they ask ‘how are you?’ Could they not see how my smile moved to a grin because my smile wasn’t genuine anymore and my cheeks would vibrate because it wasn’t used to that expression anymore so it demanded a lot of energy?
Did they not even for one moment ask themselves… who’s taking care of her for a change? I got to the point where when I weighed the option of spilling out all I felt with the option of saying ‘I’m okay just tired’, I decided it would be easier to keep them believing I was because where would I even start from and and how could they even help me? I just stuck to being a ticking time bomb.
I was angry at God, at my family, at my friends and at myself! I was angry at everything and everyone! There was this particular Friday in February where I really couldn’t pretend anymore because the mental, emotional burden felt like a physical one, I was exhausted, overwhelmed, beaten down, discouraged, weighed down by life and felt defeated. I don’t know if someone reading can relate but I felt like the walls were just closing in on me. All I wanted to do was be in bed and cry my eyeballs out (trust me sometimes crying helps a lot). I just wanted to call someone up and just offload everything unto the person but who??? Don’t get me wrong, I had friends I could do that to but how??? In my head how does someone everyone runs to, need help this time but I messaged my friend Drusilla (bless you) and she asked me … ‘who’s taking care of you?’
So I’m asking you, who is taking care of you? If you read this and it felt like I knew your secret, that question is for you… today I just want you to know it’s okay to not be okay sometimes, it’s however not okay to STAY ‘unokay’. It is draining to have it together ALL the time and pretend to be okay all the time. Sometimes life gives you a little beating and it’s okay to feel for a moment like it’s won.
I wrote this post to encourage you that you are definitely not alone. I have definitely felt like that and so have a lot of other people. It’s easy to stay angry at everyone and everything who didn’t or don’t notice or who don’t seem invested in your wellbeing but let me tell you two things;
‘God isn’t here, He can’t hear me, He’s left me to fight alone’…. Biggest lie!!! God is right there when you are crying at night, when you’re sitting in the midst of people feeling lonelier than ever, when the burden feels physical. He’s right there. When you call out to Him, He comes to your aid. No, I didn’t say when you go attacking him and complaining but when you humble yourself at His feet and admit you need help.
Second thing to know is that not everyone around you is matured or blessed to discern the hurts and brokenness inside just by looking at or interacting with you. Who knows, most probably they are also occupied with their own problems or trying so hard to keep themselves together from also exploding to notice yours. So my advice is BE VOCAL!! Reach out to someone, ask for help, tell someone! Don’t just sit there, angry at the people around you for something you haven’t told them. The devil will make sure you keep your mouth shut so he can keep feeding your thoughts till you give up!
It’s great to want to feel like a superhero, always having it all together but not at the expense of your wellbeing… you are allowed to not be okay, allowed to be scared and need someone, you are allowed to cry and allowed to complain. You are not supposed to have it all together ALL the time, you are allowed to be tired… BUT not allowed to stay that way. Go to God! He’s more than equipped to help you, He is really the only one who knows exactly what you are going through. He hears your thoughts, sees your tears and understands exactly how to help. Also, reach out to someone you can trust, reach out to me even If you want, if I personally can’t, I know a few abled people who can help.
JUST SAY SOMETHING PLEASE!