So I had an AHA moment on Sunday. No not the “aha I have an idea” but the more stretched one “AHAAAAAA, now this makes sense” one (lol) I was going through Facebook and the Holy Spirit led me to read an article someone shared on my timeline. Neither did I open it nor was I excited to read it. Later, I clicked on the link, replied messages and looked at pictures on Tumblr but for some reason I felt the need to go back and read it. My goodness! The author was speaking life into me, she made things clear about my current situation that all I could say was, ” ahhhh I see what You were doing now God… I finally got a clearer picture of the ‘Why’”
Finally, He giving permission on certain situations in my life made sense. The physical pain, my sudden struggle in and with school, my inability to sleep, my days and weeks of crying finally made sense. I understood what my earthly father meant by I needed to learn to fight and needed to go through those circumstances. I used to think that was a wicked thing to say. Finally, it made sense! My current situation made sense. I’m sure someone is like ‘get to the point already woman’ (hehe), sorry but I’m a little dramatic (lol). I would definitely be picking up each of my struggles and sharing what I learnt from them as the Holy Spirit prompts me to.
I begged God to save me, I begged Him and cried and wondered why He wasn’t doing anything about it. Back then, I just wanted Him to end it all. I was young and fragile (lol) … it was too much but today if God gave me a chance to change anything and take anything back, I wouldn’t touch a thing.
“All those things made up my story and I love exactly where those things have led me to”
The nights when I couldn’t sleep because I was in so much pain, I was crying to God to wave His wand over me and relieve me. I wanted Him to wave His wand and everything would take a turn around and what He did was fill my heart with peace. In the middle of the chaos, He chose to remind me of His presence, “but no Father, I don’t want a reminder of your presence, I want the pain gone, I want the situation dealt with and my circumstances changed”. All He needed to do was wave His wand. It was all I was asking for.
I wanted to be out of the situation, not to be encouraged and supported THROUGH it. I mean I had been faithful! I prayed, I praised everywhere; at church, in the taxi on my way to work, at work, in my room, in the bathroom… everywhere! Where was my reward? Each day I looked up and whispered “okay God it’s a good day to show up and show off” but I got nothing because God saw the bigger picture.
“Sometimes I take for granted the simple things. I can be his biggest critic when it starts to rain. But there’s always a bigger picture I can’t explain” – Alan Jackson (When God Paints)
I was in training! It took me too long to figure that out. “You were in training Jewie!!!” * slaps forehead* how did I miss that? Those situations and circumstances led me to Him, it showed me my need for Him and it had me going back to Him each day because I needed to find that peace from His presence. It was all that kept me going, His grace was and is sufficient, it showed me that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9) God knew that if He had showed up and showed off with a miracle that turned everything around like I wanted, I would have become independent of Him and I would have lost myself in the process of my ‘independence’.
“I wanted Him to rescue me, to pick me up! Not strengthen me”
In April I told God to cleanse my heart but before He did that, He decided to show me what was in it. So He showed up big time! From June to now… I’ve just been swimming in favour and grace. In my own words; I’m ‘schleep’! Things are just falling unto my laps from all areas. FINALLYYYYYYYY!!!! But what did I just notice??? The answered prayer is why I’ve grown independent of Him now, it’s why it’s hard to pray and hard to hear Him, it’s why I have struggled with posts and struggled with my relationships with people. I’m disconnected! God in His way of showing me what the state of my heart was, removed those struggles and what did I do? I immediately began to think I didn’t need Him anymore and I could handle life by myself. His silence and “no” in my struggles did much more for me than His Yes, they kept me dependent on Him, they kept me conscious of what mattered, they pushed me to seek Him and not the things He gives. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful and thankful for answered ‘rescue and turn around’ prayers but I’m even more grateful now for His silence.
In the middle of what looked like an endless struggle was where my best writings were birthed, it’s there that I heard the Holy Spirit clearly, it’s where I found understanding to His word, it’s where I danced in my room like I was crazy because my heart was full of unexplainable joy, it’s where I sung my lungs out and where I felt His love in melodies and in whispers. Looking back, I wonder why I decided to focus on the storm when Jesus was a more beautiful sight to focus on. I wasn’t alone, I wasn’t dying, the devil made me think I was but I wasn’t, I wasn’t abandoned. God was right there exposing my need for Him, showing me the sweetness of His joy and peace born from the pain.
God was training me! He was building up character in me, giving me strength, love, hope, patience, peace. He was showing me that seeking Him was way more important than being rescued. There are days I go back and there would be days I will go back to screaming “SHOW UP” but I pray that during those days, in the quietness of my spirit I’d be reminded that what He does through me during my wait and pain is far more important and more beautiful than the moments I’m waiting for.