I have a deformity on my right foot. The toe before my pinky toe; not sure if the last toe is also called a pinky, lol, but yeah my ring toe didn’t grow with the rest so it’s tinier than it should be and its position is also distorted. I’m not sure how it happened, an aunt has a theory that the bone broke and no one noticed so it stunted its growth.
Anyway, regardless of what happened or what didn’t happen with it, it is here. I remember being a kid maybe about 5-7years, I liked to show it to kids my age and they were fascinated by it and wanted to know if it hurt or if they could touch it. Honestly it was pretty cool. I was only bummed about it when I couldn’t fit my foot into some shoes or if it went in, it would hurt that toe so bad that I couldn’t walk in the shoes for long. I mean it wasn’t a big deal for me until when I was about 16years then I started noticing how people will look at my foot in disgust or will point at it with that same disgusted face and ask ‘what’s that?’ I remember vividly a close friend screaming like it was the most disturbing thing he had ever seen. He asked me why I didn’t tell him about it and proceeded to stare at it and me like I was a freak show. I believe that was one of the moments, my insecurity about it rose to its highest level. I was embarrassed that day. I’m surprised that today I can write about it casually.
I made myself believe that I wasn’t interested in getting a Mani Pedi because I honestly couldn’t bring myself to letting anyone be close to it, let alone touch it. So in my 24 years of living I’ve had a pedicure once. You have no idea the mental and emotional stress and torture I put myself through in the days and hours to my pedicure appointment. However, when it was time, the guy made it look like it was something he saw everyday, which both shocked me and really made me happy.
When God said I am fearfully and wonderfully made, He meant all of me! Not just the ‘normal’ parts of me. How selfish of me to base my whole security on a foot…a toe on a foot!!!
So it’s 2016, the toe didn’t go away, it didn’t fix itself, I still struggle with shoes, people still stare at it and I still don’t know what happened with it but I’m gradually getting unbothered about it. I am not my body! I am in it but that’s not who I am so I am certainly not my toe. I can’t define my entire worth or value on a toe. When God said I am fearfully and wonderfully made, He meant all of me! Not just the ‘normal’ parts of me. How selfish of me to base my whole security on a foot…a toe on a foot!!! There is someone out there with a perfect foot who can’t walk, or someone with no feet at all and I’m here being ungrateful and stressing over a toe! Right now, it’s ridiculous the extent to which I would stress out and worry about it. I am gradually learning to entirely accept all of me because God accepts me.
I am gradually learning to entirely accept all of me because God accepts me.
Am I still bummed I can’t wear some shoes? Absolutely yes! I probably would forever be bummed about that. But it’s me! It’s part of my life and my story! There is no me without it.
My name is Jewie and I LOVE ME FOR ME and this would have been the absolute hardest thing for me to do a couple of years ago. Who am I kidding? It’s still one of the hardest things for me now. I didn’t even know where I found the strength to write this but His grace was available. I know one thing that God told me to do when He asked me to start a blog was to be transparent, lay it all out here. So I know someone out there needs to be blessed by my obedience.
This section; love me for me is going to be a place with stories of everyday people who have something that society might not be welcoming about but it’s part of who they are and they have learnt to love it or well are still learning to. Someone who has learnt to be comfortable as the person they are. Who knows, someone’s story might help you overcome something you thought you struggled with alone. This is a section where we are baring it all out. Let me just add that this section would feature real people with real life issues or concerns. It takes a lot to write out these things so please be sensitive and kind in addressing anything concerning it.